Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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