Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
