Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
