Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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