shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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