so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
