I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
