Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i came on her dog
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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