1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got chris browned last night
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
should my penis look like a turkey
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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