if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
