when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
