I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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