I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
