I met the friendliest cop last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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