You just made me feel so damn special
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
