based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
