It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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