Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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