checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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