Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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