I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
