i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
