Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
