I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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