thus making me awesome and them whores
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
