You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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