The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
