why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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