I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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