**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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