Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
