I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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