last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
