I got chris browned last night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
