he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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