Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
