Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
