Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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