Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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