Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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