My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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