next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
