Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
