I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
