I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
