your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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