dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
