don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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