just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
