Your face is a jimmy john
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
